


How to Lie to Yourself

by jumpingjaxx13



Category: Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders
Genre: Am I making sense?, Anyways Deceit doesn't want you to turn out like him, Bad Advice, Bad coping mechanisms, Basically it's his story, Consider this a cautionary tale/backstory, Gen, It's basically one long monologue, Like Deceit's version of storytime, Like the whole "if you give a mouse a cookie" thing?, POV Second Person, With Deceit giving you "advice", but not really?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-03-16 14:24:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13638087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jumpingjaxx13/pseuds/jumpingjaxx13
Summary: Start with something simple.Look in the mirror and hold your own gaze.It doesn't really matter what you say.It's all just a mindset, anyways.





	How to Lie to Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this isn't actually from a second-person POV. Basically just imagine angsty Deceit telling you this story, not that "you" are Deceit or "you" are doing any of this.

Start with something simple. 

 

Look in the mirror and hold your own gaze. Don’t break eye contact-- that’s a sign of weakness, even to yourself. 

 

And you know you’re weak. You know that you can’t handle the barrages of life the way that others can. They’ve all told you that strength is not a state of being, but a mindset-- that if you can convince yourself that you’re strong, then reality will begin to reflect that. 

 

So you stare into that mirror, fists balled up tight by your sides as you force the words from your lips.

 

“ _ I am strong.” _

 

The words taste excitingly sour on your tongue, like a candy promising sweetness in the aftermath. It piques your curiosity, making you wonder just how far you can push internal reality until it makes you sick. Rolling your shoulders back, you force a smile-- a tense, slithering smile that needs a mountain of revision and practice, but you’ll get the hang of it eventually-- and speak to your own face again.

 

“ _ I am loveable.” _

 

This time, the spark carries over through your body, making your body shiver with perverse pleasure. They might call you petty for ever considering otherwise, but you knew the truth. That didn’t mean you had to accept it. Why would one embrace the harsh reality when false niceties felt so much better? If you could change your perception of self with a few words, wouldn’t you?

 

You would. And you  _ do. _

 

Days pass like this, sinking feelings sending you straight back to that mirror where you can bounce lies off and all around. With every little bent interpretation came another warm, tart response of which you can’t get enough. 

 

_ “I’m a good student.” _

_ “I’m normal.” _

_ “I’m a great friend.” _

_ “People love me.” _

_ “I am necessary!” _

 

The more you talk, the more you believe it, the mindset settling into place perfectly. All of these things must be true-- you can feel it in your bones! Even if they are beyond the capacity of your being currently, then they are attainable goals to reach for. If not even that, then the price of a little twist was definitely worth the self-security and self-respect which came from it.

 

_ If you could see yourself as you really are…. _

 

Thoughts like those die in gestation. You don’t allow thoughts like that anymore. They made you vulnerable and naked-- raw to the cruelties of the world. Like this, you construct your own reality and you make it function the way you like. So what if a couple facts get lost in the chaos? It is, ultimately,  _ your _ chaos. 

 

What’s the sin in feeling good about yourself? What’s wrong with a little rosy tinge? You’re not blind, you’re just… _ better. _ The others can’t see that. They say things about you which get caught in the filter, dying before they reach your ears.

 

They’re wrong. They have to be wrong. 

 

Because you’re not evil. You’re not the villain. You just chase the serenity which comes with security; the happiness which comes with complacency; the motivation which comes with achievement. 

 

And yet….

 

Even  _ he _ , the mirror you’ve been manipulating into personal contentment beyond your shared turmoil, condemns you. 

 

You try to pretend it doesn’t hurt, but it tears a gaping hole in the filter that allows all of their comments to inundate your senses. Truth, fabrication… It’s impossible to tell them apart when you’re drowning in yourself.

 

So you leave, remaining dignity crumbled enough to fit in your palm as you retreat back into your solace. 

 

And you pass by the mirror. You stop to look into it again, shock taking the place of that pleasant punishment as everything finally began to register.

 

Now, you can finally see the monster looking back at you. Everything they’d told you stared through you, the image taking on a vitality of its own.  _ This _ was what they saw-- not the help and supplement you sought, but the twisted snake of a devil wearing his face. 

 

Slowly, with the practiced ease of a professional, you smile. It’s unnervingly sweet, radiating an almost sinister joy that you don’t feel a morsel of. Over time, you’d learned that the best times to smile were when you felt like crying, and the best times to cry were never. Though your lower lip trembles from the strain of bearing all of these words and reactions, you stand tall (just like before) and look yourself in the eye (just like before) and  _ finally _ allow yourself to truly, unabashedly lie.

 

“ _ I am a  _ **_good person_ ** .”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Be sure to check out my other SS fic with Deceit, Traitor! Also HMU on Tumblr at jumpingjaxx13 to send prompts!


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